Bonds, Life at IIT, Relationship, Student Life

#4. The ride | Coming-of-age | Final year

At best, I am a social drinker. Pushing myself over the edge and exposing my vulnerability in public does not exactly fall in my comfort zone. So that day, when I gulped down a couple of beers, climbed on to a flyover and clasped the railings as the winds brushed through my hair while I relished the sense of togetherness with my cozy herd of college friends for one last time, streams of tears rolled down my face and I realized that I was tipping quiet off the scale! But I didn’t care. Those were the people who had seen me sinking and swimming along the ‘times they are a-changin’ , and I didn’t mind letting go off my inhibitions for a while.

Sheldon: ….I’m a big fan of homeostasis. Do you know what that is? Homeostasis refers to a system’s ability to regulate its internal environment and maintain a constant condition of properties like temperature or pH.

Penny: Worst bedtime story ever.

Sheldon: My point is I don’t like when things change. So, regardless of your feelings, I would like you to continue dating Leonard. And also, while we’re on the subject, you recently changed your shampoo. I’m not comfortable with the new scent. Please stop this madness and go back to green apple.

– The Big Bang Theory, The Decoupling Fluctuation

The rhythmic, brisk paced life is our morning cereal. We find happiness in ignorance and certainty, seek pleasure at conceit. So we panic when things around us start changing very fast. Too much on the plate and we simply don’t know what to do with it. The same thing happened with me as my senior year came. As I started preparing myself for the real world outside, I got very scared. It twisted and turned me, and the people around.

One from the season of lasts
One from the season of lasts

The way I planned it, graduate school was going to be my next leap after college. It was cautiously thought over and not an impulsive one.  But only as I started preparing myself for the standardized tests and sit through the lengthy on-line applications did I fully comprehend what I was putting myself up to.  As I started seeing my peers landing up with jobs and taking a head start on their career, I started growing insecure. However, I am glad that I eventually realized that everyone around me was insecure in their own unique ways and it was worth putting a hypothesis to test than never to tread along a path I dreamt of and regret it  forever.

One of the scary aspects of being on the fringe is that it also forces us to be introspective towards our personal associations. It takes us a while to understand that talking doesn’t necessarily mean communicating and caring for someone is always not enough to stick with, against all odds.  The final year came as a rude awakening to me. I found myself standing before bifurcated paths and all I had was a binary choice. I was not happy with making a decision, but I knew I had to.

Till a point in my life, I looked up to others to validate every action of mine.  But things changed. Through the entire year of roller-coaster ride, I had to take a lot of decisions with a clear understanding of the fact that they were going to change my life for good, the present and the future. And I was solely accountable for them. I learnt to bear the responsibilities of my actions. And in that process, I fell in love with myself. It wasn’t a narcissistic love. I came to be aware of myself in black and white and accepted the shadowy me, nevertheless!

I was growing up.

“So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I’m still trying to figure out how that could be.”

― Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower

Bonds, Friendship, Relationship

#1. ‘Total empathy’. And the tryst

Still, this was on the order of a minor miracle — running across someone to whom you can express your feeling so clearly, so completely. Most people go their entire lives without meeting a person like that. It would have been a mistake to label this “love”. It was more like total empathy.

– Haruki Murakami, Man-Eating-Cats

We make associations throughout life. Some stay, some fade away. Some are marked by oscillating periods of light and darkness, while a few are accompanied by a prolonged period of stale following an ephemeral friction, before they eventually die their natural death. However, if we are fortunate enough, we can forge a bond which lasts a lifetime, even without resorting to a label.

I met her in my last year at university. We discovered each other like passengers from sinking ships, trying to avoid drowning by clenching our fists together; perhaps in the process unknowingly taking us deeper down the depths of the ocean! We spent a lot of time together, enough to raise a few eyebrows and invite curious looks here and there. As time passed our lives got intricately entwined. I am not sure, how we could have tackled that in past. But we were veterans, with fresh war wounds. We succeeded to disentangle and escape, albeit scarred. We went on savouring each other’s company, relishing every bit of the hourglass time we had. But like every eventuality, the time had to fade away. And it did indeed soon, and we drifted along bifurcated paths.

coffee-1

I was at Kolkata, on some personal business. Though I am proud of my roots and have a deep sense of belonging with my ethnic heritage,  honestly I never came to like this city per se. The urban chaos and cacophony repelled me. However, the ‘City of Joy’ was still special as some of the moments I spent with some of my dearest acquaintances happened to be here. Since I was coming down to the city, we had planned to meet each other, as near future holds fewer opportunities for a chance meeting. I had chosen a cozy cafe which I personally was quiet fond of. As I was waiting for her in the comfort of air-conditioning, all these train of thoughts were rushing through my head while I was trying to focus my attention on a periodical.

My thinking was suddenly disrupted and I was forced to look up as a very known voice ringed through my ears.  There she was, smiling animatedly, and it was her calling me by my quirky nickname that had brought me back to reality. She looked elegant and spirited. I was not sure how I perceived beauty and whether it was amplified by my meeting her after a month since we drifted or it was her inner happiness talking. She took a seat beside me and we spent the rest of the afternoon chatting, fighting playfully with each other, teasing, just like the old times (which were for the matter of fact, not so old at all).

I don’t know how it felt in olden days when departed souls used to meet each other after a long time without scope of any communication in the interim period. Digital progress had stripped us of that opportunity. We are connected every single moment of our life, albeit disconnected physically. But suddenly a realization hit me. I felt that even if there was no communication, things wouldn’t have changed much if we met in a similar scenario. When you have full empathy for someone, the ability to communicate with the person is as difficult/easy as communicating with oneself. It needed no extra effort once you knew how to appreciate yourself completely.

Towards end of our tryst, we sat beside each other in silence, just like we used to do in past. It wasn’t uncomfortable. Like that classic ‘Simon n Garfunkel’ song, the silence had its own sound. I suddenly had the imagery of a lady wearing a long skirt walking down the grass, producing a subdued murmur. Delicate, yet pleasant.

Image source: http://www.epicentercafe.com/gifs/coffee-1.jpg